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Sep 25, 2011

I Can’t Write

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I can’t write. I just can’t seem to write. I try. I title. I first sentence. But I can’t write. I write in less than 140 characters, then I delete it and go to post it on twitter… when there, I don’t tweet it… seems old by then. I retweet, I facebook, I post some things some places, I share, I upload, I edit, I optimize, but I can’t write. Why is this happening to me? How can I reverse or change this trend?

I sat for a drawing class and wanted to write about the experience, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t write about sitting still for an hour and watching people watch me. I couldn’t write about how they talked to one another and looked at me, how they didn’t really look at me at all. They looked at small parts of me, tiny lines of me. And I watched them dissect me like a frog who breathes still, but a frog that is not being cut and one that has much more awareness of his own subjectness and of his examiners. But I couldn’t write about it. Still can’t.

I managed a powerful couple of opening weeks at The Hive, and I wanted to write about the emotional dynamic of throwing a group of inexperienced designers / developers / students into a room, giving them a list of impactful projects, and saying, “OK, now work together to figure out who should be doing what.” But I couldn’t write about it. I couldn’t write about how well Rye got the designers going, with the help of Ellie (a student) and a (mostly) cooperative group. I couldn’t write about how Ryan navigated a communications meltdown among the developers that led to arguments, tears, and infighting. I wanted to write about how Battey and Thomas were coming to the Hive and working and helping (returning from last semester) even though they were not getting paid or getting credit from an institution or anything. They just see the value. They like to work. They like to help. But I couldn’t write about it. I couldn’t write about how that made me feel to see that kind of team effort and affinity towards the program that I worked so hard to create. I just couldn’t make the words line up.

I wanted to write about how we are transitioning the Hive from RevenFlo’s management to York Tech’s management, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t find words to express my relief or my anxiety in this matter… that I am relieved because it is not on me again to have a powerful Hive in the spring or that I am worried about how York Tech will do it without us. I just couldn’t write about it at all. No words. No sentences. No paragraphs. Nothing.

I wanted to write about all the speaking experiences I have had lately and have coming up – national sales groups, Winthrop students, non-profits, etc. I wanted to write about the amazing projects we are doing currently with RevenFlo and The Hive – in education, government, non-profit, and private sector. I wanted to write about how I crave change and growth, so I rearranged my office, painted walls, bought more art, started playing the guitar more again, etc. I wanted to write about team and relationship management within RevenFlo. I wanted to write about my own excitements, anxieties, longings, commitments, and fears. I wanted to write about how I get fixated and obsessed. How I then get opened and broadened. But I just can’t. I just can’t seem to do it.

So, I guess I just won’t for now. I just won’t write about anything.

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Author Details
Jason Broadwater

Jason Broadwater is a speaker, writer, and producer of projects in economic and community development. He is also the founder and manager of RevenFlo (a marketing agency).

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